Its been a long time. Forgive me. Posting frequency is inversely related to the amount of adventure we're experiencing.
Two weeks ago, Randy and I ended the prospect of more biological children. It was a hard decision for me to make. The more kids I have the more I want. I truly see the image of God in each little face. I can't help it. I'd have 30 if my body could handle it. But there are more little God-images out there and that's what is behind our decision. Sunday morning our pastor was praying over us and his prayer stuck out to us rather profoundly- this is the beginning of Phase 2.
Little did we know how far that would run.
Randy was laid off last week. It wasn't terribly surprising but still a bit of a blow. Its been another part of the adventure ever since. He's been pounding the pavement dutifully and getting many leads. Its hard to know what to do. Only a little less salary than what he was already making (given that his pay was cut when the economy turned) we would need to move. He received an informal job offer today which could be a slight step down in responsibility but with potential for more later on. I really feel like this time is such an open door for possibility. I'd really like to see him soar using his strengths, working with people, being given responsibility and handling it with God-given wisdom as I know he can. I feel like this "Phase 2" is shifting our whole family into a different realm. Its hard to not automatically gravitate toward the same, what we always did or knew from Phase 1. And its easy for me to talk up "Phase 2" because my personal responsibilities have changed very little. Nathan's started eating solid foods. Aaron's beginning potty training. But life is still very similar for me.
At least on the outside that is.
Stay tuned for more of this adventure.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Blog Therapy
If only my computer desk were a long Freudian couch the feeling would be complete. I'm in need of blog therapy. A time to smatter all my thoughts and emotions onto "paper" in the rapid fire succession that they come in, such that would blur the ink were I to write. Its been a long day, at only 11am. My blessed neighbor took the 2 big kids home with her so I could nap.
But I cried instead.
With a package of frozen peas on my back.
Yesterday was the day I was to pick up a Chinese friend from the airport. She was going to stay with us while she finishes her pregnancy and gives birth to a beautiful baby that is most unwanted by the Chinese government- a second child.
In my 4 years there I never knew anyone with a second child. Abortion is so prevalent that even Godly Christians have them and think little of it. Not that they don't want a second child, but that the taxes are so heavy it would keep the parents in near poverty for his/her entire childhood. How much? Its different for everyone. No planning. No asking for assistance. No knowing. Its save every cent and hope its enough when the bill comes. I've heard stories of second children being "taken care of" at the hospital immediately post birth while the mother is unable to protect her baby.
A baby she was willing to come to the ends of the earth to save.
And once again, my house feels like a cold empty mansion. Our 3 bedrooms feel big enough to house a world of needy babies and hopeful mommies. And yet its so empty. So agonizingly empty. My neighbor wanted to take Nathan too, but I once again needed his ministry of peace to keep me from completely losing all sense of normalcy.
Yesterday I waited. As the minutes ticked by and I hadn't received a call, I thought she was in the clear. Her flight was due out of San Francisco at 4:07 our time. I breathed a sigh of relief and decided to wait a bit then call the airline to make sure she was on the plane. At 4:20 she called saying she was not permitted entrance to the US at this time. My heart sunk. After all this. After she spent hard earned money to buy a plane ticket. After all the work to acquire the visa. She's put right back on a plane to go home.
It was shortly after I got the news that I could not take a single step without excruciating pain. I went to bed over a week ago fine and woke up unable to walk normally. My left hip seems out of joint some how. From wrestling a large goat on the milking table when a loud noise almost made her leap off while still chained? From chasing, catching and straddling our buck to administer pinkeye treatment? From carrying a strapping young lad in a sling for several hours one day? I don't know. But its been bothering me ever since. Thursday a friend stopped by and prayed for me and the rest of the day was great. Even the rest of the weekend. The mornings were a little rough and come evening I was sore again, but I had much of the day where I could almost function as normal. Monday was different. It took hours before I loosened up at all. I hurt badly all day and by 5pm had relinquished myself to a chair. Randy got home and I climbed into bed. I just wanted the world, the hurt, all the hurt in the world, to just go away.
This morning I got up feeling much better. It wasn't long before I remembered our very empty room. New pillow. New hangers. Boxes of maternity clothes, and baby clothes sitting here waiting for a new owner. My quilt that I made in China and kept on my bed while there was folded down, neat and perfect. It was supposed to keeping 2 precious people warm while they snoozed away jet lag. I decided the sooner I got Gloria back in that room, the better. We all went outside to tend to a few things, most of which Randy had taken care of before he left this morning. The clouds were dark. The breeze was cold. Even my seedlings drooped with sadness. Everywhere I looked I was seeing things I was going to do with her. If she wanted to, that is. Repotting dragonfruit that really didn't like the winter. Tilling a strip for this year's pineapples. Upsizing the pomegranate tree. Overhauling an herb bed. A few minutes of that and I was rounding the troops back up with promises of a movie in bed with mommy under warm covers. The response was jubilant. I made a pot of tea and snuggled in with Gloria and Aaron... and my bag of frozen peas of course. What did we watch? "Up".
So no one said this movie would make me cry.
Crying's an understatement.
Which is worse, being infertile or being very much able to have children, many of them, with the mighty hand of the law smashing that ability to bits?
Thankfully Russel showed up and made me giggle too. Except that he sorta looks Chinese.
Shortly after starting the movie, my neighbor showed up with makings for a "Be Happy Party" as she called it. A mug of flavored coffee and some yummy muffins. She's such a thoughtful person. She asked me several times prior what she could do to make my friend feel welcome. She's our blessing we never knew to ask for. In our long list of house requirements, good neighbors wasn't one of them. God knew how much we needed that. How much I needed that. She always seems to know what I need when I need it. And she did it again today. I mentioned that I had planned on getting the kids rooms sorted back the way they were today but the clouds made me just want to curl back in bed. She said, "Well, let's go do it!" "Now?" I asked. "Yeah, I'll help. Come on." And she was right. It was done in minutes and with her there it was so simple. I would have stopped to cry with every load had I been alone.
Then she swept my floor and took my kids home with her. The quiet surrounded me and I thought for a minute I would go to sleep. But it wouldn't come. I swapped out my frozen peas and finished watching Up. Crying even more than before.
But I think that's what I needed. Along with blog therapy. Grief drains me. When I'm sad, I'm exhausted. I start to not care about droopy thirsty seedlings or the freshness of the chickens' water. I figured out all I really needed to do today is the afternoon milking, make dinner and be ready to roll 23oo pennysavers. My list of things I could do is long. Overwhelmingly long. But if they don't get done today, they'll still be there tomorrow.
And tomorrow just may be better.
Thanks for listening.
But I cried instead.
With a package of frozen peas on my back.
Yesterday was the day I was to pick up a Chinese friend from the airport. She was going to stay with us while she finishes her pregnancy and gives birth to a beautiful baby that is most unwanted by the Chinese government- a second child.
In my 4 years there I never knew anyone with a second child. Abortion is so prevalent that even Godly Christians have them and think little of it. Not that they don't want a second child, but that the taxes are so heavy it would keep the parents in near poverty for his/her entire childhood. How much? Its different for everyone. No planning. No asking for assistance. No knowing. Its save every cent and hope its enough when the bill comes. I've heard stories of second children being "taken care of" at the hospital immediately post birth while the mother is unable to protect her baby.
A baby she was willing to come to the ends of the earth to save.
And once again, my house feels like a cold empty mansion. Our 3 bedrooms feel big enough to house a world of needy babies and hopeful mommies. And yet its so empty. So agonizingly empty. My neighbor wanted to take Nathan too, but I once again needed his ministry of peace to keep me from completely losing all sense of normalcy.
Yesterday I waited. As the minutes ticked by and I hadn't received a call, I thought she was in the clear. Her flight was due out of San Francisco at 4:07 our time. I breathed a sigh of relief and decided to wait a bit then call the airline to make sure she was on the plane. At 4:20 she called saying she was not permitted entrance to the US at this time. My heart sunk. After all this. After she spent hard earned money to buy a plane ticket. After all the work to acquire the visa. She's put right back on a plane to go home.
It was shortly after I got the news that I could not take a single step without excruciating pain. I went to bed over a week ago fine and woke up unable to walk normally. My left hip seems out of joint some how. From wrestling a large goat on the milking table when a loud noise almost made her leap off while still chained? From chasing, catching and straddling our buck to administer pinkeye treatment? From carrying a strapping young lad in a sling for several hours one day? I don't know. But its been bothering me ever since. Thursday a friend stopped by and prayed for me and the rest of the day was great. Even the rest of the weekend. The mornings were a little rough and come evening I was sore again, but I had much of the day where I could almost function as normal. Monday was different. It took hours before I loosened up at all. I hurt badly all day and by 5pm had relinquished myself to a chair. Randy got home and I climbed into bed. I just wanted the world, the hurt, all the hurt in the world, to just go away.
This morning I got up feeling much better. It wasn't long before I remembered our very empty room. New pillow. New hangers. Boxes of maternity clothes, and baby clothes sitting here waiting for a new owner. My quilt that I made in China and kept on my bed while there was folded down, neat and perfect. It was supposed to keeping 2 precious people warm while they snoozed away jet lag. I decided the sooner I got Gloria back in that room, the better. We all went outside to tend to a few things, most of which Randy had taken care of before he left this morning. The clouds were dark. The breeze was cold. Even my seedlings drooped with sadness. Everywhere I looked I was seeing things I was going to do with her. If she wanted to, that is. Repotting dragonfruit that really didn't like the winter. Tilling a strip for this year's pineapples. Upsizing the pomegranate tree. Overhauling an herb bed. A few minutes of that and I was rounding the troops back up with promises of a movie in bed with mommy under warm covers. The response was jubilant. I made a pot of tea and snuggled in with Gloria and Aaron... and my bag of frozen peas of course. What did we watch? "Up".
So no one said this movie would make me cry.
Crying's an understatement.
Which is worse, being infertile or being very much able to have children, many of them, with the mighty hand of the law smashing that ability to bits?
Thankfully Russel showed up and made me giggle too. Except that he sorta looks Chinese.
Shortly after starting the movie, my neighbor showed up with makings for a "Be Happy Party" as she called it. A mug of flavored coffee and some yummy muffins. She's such a thoughtful person. She asked me several times prior what she could do to make my friend feel welcome. She's our blessing we never knew to ask for. In our long list of house requirements, good neighbors wasn't one of them. God knew how much we needed that. How much I needed that. She always seems to know what I need when I need it. And she did it again today. I mentioned that I had planned on getting the kids rooms sorted back the way they were today but the clouds made me just want to curl back in bed. She said, "Well, let's go do it!" "Now?" I asked. "Yeah, I'll help. Come on." And she was right. It was done in minutes and with her there it was so simple. I would have stopped to cry with every load had I been alone.
Then she swept my floor and took my kids home with her. The quiet surrounded me and I thought for a minute I would go to sleep. But it wouldn't come. I swapped out my frozen peas and finished watching Up. Crying even more than before.
But I think that's what I needed. Along with blog therapy. Grief drains me. When I'm sad, I'm exhausted. I start to not care about droopy thirsty seedlings or the freshness of the chickens' water. I figured out all I really needed to do today is the afternoon milking, make dinner and be ready to roll 23oo pennysavers. My list of things I could do is long. Overwhelmingly long. But if they don't get done today, they'll still be there tomorrow.
And tomorrow just may be better.
Thanks for listening.
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