Speechless

Sometimes I'm at a loss as to how to title a post... just how do you encapsulate that Cocoa is gone, my feet are swollen to where I'm wondering if I'll get stretch marks there too, and that even a raccoon came to steal, kill and destroy today... yet not come across depressive and negative.

To begin with, last night was when I noticed, with the quick glimpses of my feet that I get, that I no longer could see my ankle bones. That's a new phenomenon for me this pregnancy so its a bit strange for me. My midwife blamed it on the heat. I don't know what to think other than, please God, take this away.

This morning I found our single remaining Dixie Rainbow (meat bird) rooster dead. It was clearly a coon attack though the coon was never even able to draw blood let alone get any kind of meal. I had a towel hung on the side of the pen for added afternoon shading. It snuck behind the towel, reached under the pen and nabbed his neck. All the feathers were gone from his neck which is the only reason I could be so sure this was death by strangling and not anything more natural. Very sad that it was the only rooster we had saved out for breeding purposes.

This morning, Gloria was rather grumpy and so was banned from helping with farm chores so she could sleep off her grumpies. I fed Cocoa instead. She was different. Back to being loopy, not walking, not holding her head up. I fed her and she ate very willingly. Then I put her with Wednesday who was tethered outside the pasture so that she wouldn't suck down her mom before I got to milk her. When Wednesday had finished with her portion of the feed, I put her back in the pasture (which I had left open), but couldn't find Cocoa anywhere. I assumed she wandered off to find a shady place to nap and that she'd wander out later. I watched while doing the rest of my outside work, but never saw her. I watched for her while feeding Gloria lunch. Never saw her. Finally I took Gloria out with me maybe thinking that seeing Gloria would lure her out. Nothing. Finally went in the pasture as a last resort wondering if she had gone in on her own while the gate was open. She had... and there she died.

In some ways her dying is harder than for Carob. She seemed like she was doing so well. I thought she was totally out of the woods as far as death was concerned, but the only question remaining was would she recover enough to be bred. When I wasn't finding her, I can't say I didn't somehow know that I would find her dead, but I guess I just didn't WANT to. Who does? Yesterday I watched her flop over on her side and kick her feet as though she were trying to get up, but completely unable. It almost looked like a seizure. I ran in and picked her up. She calmed down and I soon set her back on her feet where she wobbled over to a shady spot and gingerly laid down. I'm wondering now if the same thing is what killed her today only I wasn't right there to see it. I guess that adds to the difficulty... not fully knowing exactly what did anything.